Dear You

as much as i try to put it out of my mind and pretend that i'm fine, the loss of you is still really killing me.  if only i could find some character flaws to hate you for. 

god, i almost wish i hadn't met you at all.  almost.

remodels

Finally decided to ride my bike to work today, it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be.  I'm trying to be a little less lazy.  Went to Txoko after work for a drink with Kwame.  It's a pretty awesome spot; i'm sure i'll be spending a good amount of time there from now on, considering the fact that i have some friends working there, the menu looks fantastic, and it's open late.  My bike ride home was actually really nice.  Only took about 20 minutes from all the way up in North Beach and when i got home there was some delicious coffee cake, from my roommate, waiting for me.  It's nice that Monday was a holiday, it feels like the week is going by fast.  Last weekend was surprise parties, westerns, poker, dice, whiskey, mushroom chocolates, pink rabbits, choward's gum, liquor store security cat, the phoenix hotel, birthdays, drunk night swimming, girls on LSD, drug den hotel rooms, flooded bathrooms and more.  I'm hoping this weekend will be just as eventful.

perdu

Sort of came to a realization today that i've lost my focus.  I've taken a really strange detour in my life and found ways to convince myself that this was my aim and that i'm content with the way i'm living.  i've become exceptional at lying to myself and it's really not what i want.  i have a lot of potential that i'm just letting go to waste.  i'm disgusted with how lazy and self indulgent i have become.  something needs to change.  fuck heartbreak, fuck bad times, fuck disadvantage.  i can't blame this on anyone but myself.

truth

easter sunday sweater, little rabbits on there.
i really should be packing my stuff right now.  i have too much baggage, i need to throw it all out and start over.
i need to forget that it ever existed.

hey coffee eyes

everything has been weird lately.  my lack of motivation combined with my alcoholism is making for a very strange lifestyle.  i've become almost entirely nocturnal, many nights drinking until around 5am.  i am not doing anything even remotely productive.  i feel like it's a phase though, i'm pretty convinced that my move at the end of this month will help to snap me out of it.  as for the more immediate future, tonight should be interesting.  it's diary night, which could end with me feeling 'pop punk' or feeling 'emo'.  i'm really hoping for some sort of happy ending tonight, but i expect nothing. 

thought i had my shit figured out, but i guess i'm just as fucking crazy as i used to be.

day after day after day

Lately, it's been looking beautiful outside my window.  But when I go outside, it's so cold.  nothing's as it seems.

last night was a crazy little neighborhood party.  drank a bit at work, than brought quincy over to my hood.  we went into the residence and got sucked into an alcohol driven frenzy that took us to pilsner inn and eventually to bill's house.  hangover central today.

  it's opening weekend for the giants.  i'm going to watch the game tonight at underdogs and try to buy tickets from a scalper at the ballpark for tomorrow's game.  i've got field club tickets to the game on monday, which is really exciting.  i can't wait.  tonight is the grand opening party for steve chen's new store, MAAS & Stacks.  it's also Aria's birthday party at the castle.  it's going to be a busy night, hopefully it'll be sufficient to keep my mind off other things.  tomorrow is JoJo's official birthday dinner at Juban Yakiniku in japantown, then karaoke, then sweaterfunk.  there's no time for me to miss you.

02222010

it snowed all night last night
and my world is falling apart.